just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
