its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
