Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
