FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
