Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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