I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
