actually, I'm a sock model
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
