she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
