He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
