A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
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