Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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