No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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