dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
