I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize