When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
