I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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