how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize