He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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