if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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