Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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