You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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