I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
