Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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