I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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