Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize