I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
