I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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