New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
