it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
