gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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