found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
