now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
