i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
