woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
