In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
