and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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