in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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