what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
