If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
