it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I love you. Go after that dick
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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