If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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