life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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