woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
