Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
