True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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