I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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