i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
sarcasm needs its own font
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
