I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize