I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
