God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
