Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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