you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
