Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Drunk is not a location!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize