he told me I talked like a deaf person
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
