She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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