I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
