You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
