im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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